Put on a happy face …

“Lately it seems I can’t keep anyone happy.  No matter how hard or fast I pedal, I constantly feel as if I am slipping backward as I head uphill.”

The Road Back to Yourself: The Second Journey — Joan Anderson

It’s time to put on my happy face and begin my day. Time to pretend I’ve got everything under control and push ahead. Time to postpone taking a day off because my cluttered calendar just won’t allow it.

But how much longer can I keep this up without completely falling apart?

“You haven’t written anything in a long time,” a friend recently said to me.

“I’ve been too busy to be inspired,” I replied, knowing that it’s just an excuse to push aside all the things that are churning inside of me … things that once released will scare and offend those who only know the happy side of me. But as I logged on to  check on my last posting, the reality of my postponement hits me like a ton of bricks.  It had been nine months since I’d written anything.

Where the hell has the time gone? I’ve been busy indeed.  But what have I accomplished?  I have lots to show for it, but inside I feel empty and alone.

My father died nearly three months ago. But that’s not the source of my funk.  My journey into the dark night of the soul began a long time ago. And I can’t seem to navigate myself out of it.

So, I’ve chosen paths of which I am not proud.  I’ve been drinking too much, eating too much, exercising too little, neglecting my inner voice — all the while self-sabotaging the very things that have been there to hold what’s left of me together. Things like my writing.

My soul is a caged animal in a zoo of  abused and neglected beasts — and I am its abuser.

I feel no joy, no passion, no purpose. It’s no wonder I feel uninspired. No wonder I get so angry at others when I recognize myself in them.

I’m exhausted and depleted and I need rest.  Not the sleep for 9 hours type of rest.  The go away and be by myself and just be selfish type of rest.

I’m not talking about weeks.  I’m talking about one day.  A day without thinking.  A day of just being.  A day when I won’t care that my closet is cluttered and the laundry isn’t folded.

I won’t make anyone happy until I make myself happy. So for a while at least, life will have to go on without me.

See you in 24 hours.

Author: Barb Besteni

I've been in a writer long enough to know that change is not only inevitable, it's what keeps us going. Don't fight it, don't fear it. Embrace it and have fun. View all posts by Barb Besteni